Good Evening no one!

So, two years have passed since I abandoned this blog and what I planned to use it for, but I think with my current state it makes sense to get back to it. to be honest, I don’t really have a specific goal writing these entries, but they would be more like a place where I can leave some thoughts in the air, maybe some findings or quirks that make my day. I don’t feel like I want to share it with anyone in specific or even with anyone at all, but still I want to leave it out there, outside of my mind. Been contemplating a lot lately, contemplating myself, my lifestyle, my personality, my reactions, my behaviours, my interests, my motives, my goals…the list doesn’t end really; I felt that what used to constitute my identity is no longer relevant, I don’t have a solid ground (more like an island) where I could stand and identify anymore, which is good when looking to the bigger course of things, it means I’m passing by a transformation stage and usually -and hopefully- for the better (based on data from my former transformations grin) however, the timing is a bitch and it has mounted over me emotionally, I needed some stability at this period of my life, especially with the decision of moving out to a new country for a long term stay, but instead I had to face myself and I didn’t like what I saw tbh. It left me with a looming urge to go tell everyone I’m sorry because they had to deal with me or handle me, that’s how bad it was. I know it can be a bit harsh, but it’s the truth and I’m glad I’ve got this hit of realization to delve into it. the conclusion is, I feel like I have been beaten up on all fronts of my life and that what came before this poitn was merely a parody or a joke. and in order to process all this, usually I take a few steps out of the field, find myself a corner and revisit everything. Lately though, I have been struggling to find enough time and a clear head to do it, I managed to maintain some of it through journaling in my physical diary/journal. but for some reason, and as I said before, there’s something different about facing yourself with “your” ideas from the outside (you spill it out and it manages to get back into your face again basically or this is how I see it) and sharing it out in the world and infront of everyone, like a monologue on a theatre? or maybe it’s just seeking validation or understanding from those who are sailing the same boat. anyways, that meant that sharing some thoughts or bits of my day somewhere outside did make sense to me in a way, it comes with a nice aspect which is engaging with others about these thoughts and bits which I did online in some form, however, right now, I think I am looking for just a place to shove them out and some quietness. That’s why this blog felt like a good idea again, and bonus points, no one probably checks it other than me and at the same time it’s out there. Just a calm sanctuary and somewhere to archive all the buzz and fuss working its way in my head instead of ending up on my social media eventually (I take it as a responsibility to save the poor souls who have to find my rants on their feeds and making a clown of myself insert clown emoji). and by now, I declare my social media accounts on hold.

Tonight (I’m writing at the end of the day) is Tuesday, I sat the mood of the room for writing and lit up my relaxing lights, wore my favourite comfy PJs and made two small pony tails, I very much like having my hair (since it’s short now) in two low pony tails, aaanyways, it’s the first day in my working week and I’m coming back from an emotionally overwhelming weekend, I wasn’t feeling okay aaat.alll. (not only because the war between Russia-Ukraine that might blow up into a WWIII sobs, believe me that’s collateral) but it was more about multiple things that has to do with how I’m currently coping up with everything. I will rewind to the start of the weekend on last friday because this is when all shit hit the fan and when I decided, well, some decisions. I was having an interview with some company in US that was really nice and the opportunity was interesting for me specially that they approached first and that made the proces faster -which wasn’t in my favour- as I wasn’t ready enough duh, neither mentally nor with what I was planning to skim through as part of the interview prep. So, I panicked last minute and decided to send them a cancellation email before the interview with an hour and a half. even though, I Impressed them in the previous calls and I did do some preparation, and usually in these situations I would just opt for it since I have nothing to lose and I’m not even initiating the process to begin with. but I felt all over the place and I didn’t want to go in there and waste both our times. It was frustrating though, for multiple reasons, the first is, I could’ve just went for it to gain experience and see how they conduct their interviews, it doesn’t matter how I performed because at the end of the day it was just a trial and I have my current job. but I think I got overwhelmed specially that it wasn’t too long after I’ve returned from my trip to Egypt with more than one family member passing away and being surrounded by an abundance of loss, helplessness and despair (specially coming from both my mum and dad) while I was before going there already not in the best of moods, and then I came back to a big work stress. so it was all bad timed. However, I feel like this situation has been recurring, and the interview is not the case, but just under the tiniest amount of stress I seem to crumble, which told me a lot about my mental resilience levels. because same happened when I had this interview with Google, it went through the exact same scenario except back then I was completely distressed with a broken foot, which was a valid reason to cancel, but I know that the actual reason was partly me panicking over my inadequacy and how I’m not prepared and how I’m not taking small steps on the long run for this level of preparation I am asking for in order to move forward with similar opportunities but also that the bigger issue here is how I deal with my whole life and consequently any mildly challenging situation. Looking in retrospect, I am always stuck in some former experiences that seem to control my reaction everytime and overwhelm me with all the issues at the same time, no matter how relevant or irrelevant it was which yields into a situation that I mentally fail to manage from the inside. in a nutshell, I was hating myself in this moment, but I couldn’t deny, that I felt relieved and indifferent once I pressed sent on that email. I took a fetal position on my bed for an hour processing all those emotions storming by me and then I decided I want a reset from the whole situation that my anxiety stuck me into and let’s pretend like nothing has happened today until tomorrow I can better process it. So, I slept.

Woke up super early, usually I stay in bed for a bit consuming any content to wake up my brain, so I watched a couple of videos for a girl I like who makes cute vlogs -mostly about food but her life too- I liked how lowkey they were and that she didn’t put too much effort into gimmicks, she just took the footage from a decent angle to show the audience what she’s doing and just was herself. This was entertaining for me, eventhough she was just getting her groceries and prepping some meal. amazing how watching random people on the internet doing mundane stuff is entertaining for some reason…

started with making my bed, taking a shower while listening to some podcasts, one of the podcasts was actually regarding an item that piqued my interest in the former video of dooby doing her shopping, which was the Spam luncheon, she has used it in her video and mentioned that it’s an asian staple, I saw it multiple times in other videos too, so was wondering why is that and that when this podcast popped in my way

it was about why Asia loves cooking with spam gaining this popularity and also hints to why our Spam email folders are named so. and then this realization comes to mind, nothing special, but i just saw it at that moment, which is that mostly cultural exchange happens in a similar way and it’s interesting how cultures intertwine and interact which leads to habits sticking around and then you have different fusions across different multitudes (cusine, music, fashion..etc). It happened a lot during wars and colonialism, if only humans managed to do it in other ways…

I then went for a run, it was my first after an accident I had in my ankle and wasn’t able to practice any sports or run. It went fine, but I also realized how much of a potato I am when it comes to fitness. On my way back though, I was taking some of those decisions that I know I will probably not commit to, but I did it anyways, one of these decisions is to get back to cutting sugar, I did it for a few months at the end of last year and it went on until the beginning of Feb, but then I lost control or more like I didn’t give a shit anymore. and as your fit determined friend walks down the road she stumbles upon a cute shop’s window, so I approached to check what do they sell? it’s candy! they should rename the attraction law as the repulsion law in my case, because I wouldn’t enter a shop like this one and ignore the fact that I need to try some of the weird candy I found inside, specially that their brand is all about selling eccentric candy from different places in the world, so at this point, I decided to just push my no sugar goal to the next month and be realistic.

The upcoming is just me admiring the shop’s setup and how they are displaying the candy. They had these suitcases filled with candy from different parts of the world sorted in separate sections, I picked a few things that I wanted to try and got back and tried them out. I enjoy the act of going into a grocery store or shop that sells stuff I haven’t tried before and then one gets into reviewer mode. I think I would’ve appreciated a job as a food connoisseur, being able to experience new things all the time and get into the details of how it feels/tastes to you and how it was made then structure your thoughts and observations about it, that would’ve been the best, if only I could handle spicy food, becuase here’s a whole spectrum of dishes that I will miss on….

This marshmallow-like bun, was an east european vanilla flavoured candy that’s stuffed with something that tasted like apple paste/jam, it was too sweet for my taste, but its texture was nice in the mouth, was soft and fluffy. The sour candy was my favourite, it was berry-flavoured, it came in three colors (3 flavours) that show up when you take a bite (they were red, blue and purple) and those twizzler strips of intertwined lemon, apple and cherry were nice, tasted a bit artificial but not in a sad way I might say, plus, I have a thing for braided jelly candy. The smol milky way chocolate stars were dope, but it wasn’t something new to my taste buds, it’s basically Mars/Milkyway chooclate, it didn’t even taste much like a milky way, maybe only its external chocolate coating.

After getting back from my morning walk and passing by this store, I did some chores while listening to some podcasts, one of them was about handling trauma in relationships and traumatic responses in general, it was eye-opening, not for what it was discussing, but how it defined it, sometimes giving things the right name or category helps in a way and provide you with an idea on how to view these behaviours in a different light.

It was mentioned in the podcast,

After that came the grocery shopping for the week followed by meeting my friend and doing some shopping together that ended with a burger at Five Guys.